Smell It Cooking In The Air
Yum! Yum!
I just can't wait to have eggs and spam for breakfast, not that I ever eat breakfast, which I know is the most important meal of the day, but I just don't eat breakfast unless I've been up all night, and then it's not breakfast, really, it's more like dinner, or lunch, if you've only been up half the night! (That run-on sentence will give grammar aficionados fits!)
In fact, even though it’s been years since I’ve eaten spam, I remember liking it. Of course, time does affect one’s ability to recall.
Yet, whenever I go to my computer, I find spam sizzling on the screen, spattering fat globules all over my keyboard. Of course, I could use that as an excuse for typos in my writings, but instead, I spend twenty minutes with an industrial strength air compressor and two gallons of Windex cleaning it off.
Most of the time, I simply “delete” this spam from my diet of literary gems found in various educational sites on the web (Huff Pages, Snopes.com, Success Stories of Viagra, etc.). However, there are days that I feel particularly adventurous and seek refuge in the promises and delights offered in the Spam Folder.
I laugh, I cry, and I envision the reality of stupidity in today’s world. Should I ignore and delete, or should I have some fun? Never being one to shirk from my responsibilities, I have started to write letters to these advertisers to see what response might be given. These are a few glimpses at these correspondences.
(Name) Injury: Have you gained weight while using a birth control pill?
To Whom It May Concern:
I recently received your ad asking about weight gain while using a birth control pill. I appreciate your concern. However, let me ask, “Have you?”
As a 58 year old male, I have found very few uses for birth control pills. I tried giving them to my grandchildren by telling them they were tiny Pez tabs, but they didn’t care for the taste when chewed. And, no, they didn’t gain weight. I’ve tried using them as a sugar substitute, but found that they had a terrible aftertaste. And, lastly, they have absolutely no use as suppositories for hemorrhoids as they only tickle. I will ask my wife your question as soon as she completes her 25th heat flash this afternoon. Sincerely.......
(Name) Auto Warranty: Save Thousands On Auto Repairs
To Whom It May Concern:
I would indeed love to save thousands on auto repairs. The next time your auto needs thousands of dollars of work, please send me the thousands you save and I’ll save it in my account! I really appreciate your kindness in this matter. I’ll be holding my breath in wait of receiving your cash. Sincerely.....
(Name) Income Tax Reduction Experts: Eliminate And Settle Your Tax Bill Here
Dear Senator:
Your offer is very tempting, I must say. However, is Congress truly going to eliminate taxes and make big business responsible for paying the National Debt Deficit that you and they got us in? I applaud your efforts and can’t wait to tell all of my friends that America is truly the home of great political hope, dreams and sacrifice. You deserve a day off to play golf. I know you’ve gone without one for quite some time. Sincerely.....
(Name)(Name)'s Meaningful Beauty: Try (Name)(Name)'s Secret For Younger Looking Skin
Dear (First Name):
You are indeed a beautiful woman. I am honored that you write this old man.
Please, don’t think me cruel, but as my wife ages, my quest for younger looking skin is no secret. You are invited to stop in anytime and I’ll see if your skin is truly younger looking. This will require a full body search and extremely thorough examination, so please feel free to shower first! Sincerely......
(Name)(Name) Of Powerful Women: Congratulations you’ve been chosen
Dear Madame Temptress:
I appreciate you choosing me to join your organization to take control of my future. My sex change operation is scheduled for next week, with a follow up operation six months later. I feel I have already started to take control of my future, but if you know the name of an inexpensive armpit hair removal specialist, it would be much appreciated. Sincerely.....
A Final Thought
As I sit here, anxiously awaiting responses, I can only fantasize what offers I will receive in the future. Excuse me if you will, I have to check on my bank account I set up for the ex-ruler of a certain African country. Who needs a 401K when you’ve got great people like this to depend on?
Disclaimer
I have restrained myself from using any of the names of your companies due to advertising concerns of the products or services you offer. Since you so freely sent it to me, I feel it only right to share the gist of what you offer.
In the future, I simply ask, you research to whom your target audience is before sending out mass spam items. In fact, I'd appreciate being taken off of your email list you purchase from the scum that provide them. Thank you for your understanding, if that is a possible facet of your business ethics.
Oh, by the way, you Spam guys suck!
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