What To Do When An Asteroid Is On A Collision Course With The Earth (Humor)

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What!! An Asteroid Is Coming!

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Hypothetically Speaking

There have been several movies made about asteroids from space on a collision course to hit the earth, most recently, 2011's Melancholia. (Really a boring movie for the most part, unless you like seeing Kirsten Dunst lying unclad in the outdoors a couple of times. Okay, maybe not so boring!) What if tomorrow, you turned on your computers, took a quick look at the news on your homepage, and found that an asteroid was heading our direction? (Think you might get a little shaky?)

Of course, the first thing you'd do is to speed read everything you could on the topic. (Kind of like most do here before leaving comments.) Probably, you'd then turn on either Fox News or CNN, depending upon your political affiliations (as if they mattered any longer) and watch consistently for the next 8 to 10 hours.

Questions would arise:

• 1) What are it's chances of missing the Earth?
• 2) How big is it and what damage could its impact cause?
• 3) What are our chances of survival (if any)?

By this time, you've wasted at least 12 hours. You've learned that the asteroid will destroy the Earth and spread it's remnants all over the solar system. There will be no survivors. (Not even that neighbor's barking dog you despise so much!) We are doomed and only have 48 hours to live your life as you know it.

What Would You Do In The Last 48 Hours?

Throw Those Bill Away And Never Worry About Late Fees Again!

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Be Sure Your Dog Says Goodbye To All His Friends (Even Fifi Down The Block!)

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Suggestions

1) Throw away all the bills lying on the kitchen table and dare collection agencies to find you in the afterlife. (If there are credit card collection agencies in Heaven we're all doomed to Purgatory)

2) Forget about calling in sick to work. (Like there would be anyone there to take the call in the first place.)

3) Make a trip to the convenience store and laugh hysterically when the clerk says, "If you don't play the Lotto, you don't win!"

4) Let your male mixed breed dog finally do what nature intended with the purebred poodle down the street. (A dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do!)

5) Eat every drop of ice cream, cake, pie and sour cream you could find and hold a vigilance as you burned the Weight Watcher's calorie cards. (Who's going to tell on you? Richard Simmons lives here, too!)

6) Circle all the neighbors around the house of the owner of the one dog hated by all that barked every night, all night, and hold a huge campfire Kumbaya sing-a-long. (Don't forget to bring the hot dog buns!)

7) Drive your car at 80 mph in front of the Police Department knowing no one's there. (No city employees will work when they know that they won't be getting paid again!)

8) Call the I.R.S. and leave a message describing all the lies told and deductions claimed that you never legally qualified for. (Although these folks are so dedicated, they'd probably still be working.)

9) Make fun of everyone that voted early in the elections. (As we all know both candidates would be vying for a place on the commercial spaceship recently built.)

Eat! Eat! Eat! What's a few pounds in the next 48 hours?

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Get Rid Of Those Skinny Jeans, Ladies! They're Out Of Style And Never Will Be Needed!

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I Started A Hoax, That Got The Whole World Freaked Out! I Was Just Foolin'!

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10) Throw away your skinny jeans that you're still a long way from fitting into. (Ladies, forget it! They're out of style now, anyway.)

11) Send emails to all spammers telling them that you'll agree to whatever they want. (Just to rub it in a little.)

12) Get back on the Internet and send out a mass email saying, "I STARTED THE ASTEROID RUMOR. JUST FOOLING!" (Talk about a panic then.)

13) Go to a prison and let out all the criminals except for murderers, child and woman abusers, and politicians. (We want them safe for the big bang, don't we?)

14) Tell your kids the truth that you really weren't planning on taking them to Disneyland next summer. (That should end any disappointment about not being able to go.)

15) Forget about doing the dishes, taking out the trash, emptying the kitty litter, or washing dirty underwear. (Who's gonna know?)

16) Pull out that bottle of champaign you were saving and toast your spouse to living the rest of your lives together in happiness. (Anyone can make it for 48 hours, especially if you've been drinking!)

17) Call your parents and admit to all the wrongdoing they imagined you doing but were never able to prove. (And brag and brag and brag!)

18) Try to find that plastic bag of memories from your younger days you hid somewhere the kids couldn't get to it. (Oh, like you never did. C'mon, your time is short, tell the truth!)

19) Look at the Hunger Games book trilogy you purchased and be happy you saw the first movie. (You know you weren't going to read them anyway. You just wanted to impress your neighbors in the double-wide next door!)

20) Make peace with God. (And pray he hasn't made a deal with credit card collection agencies!)

Books You Don't Want To Start

War And Peace	The Complete Works Of William Shakespeare
Dante's Inferno	Sins Of The Fathers
Fear Of Flying	Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Putting First Things First	How To Prepare Your Own Will

Sir, This Is Beth With The I.Got U. Collection Agency. Yes Sir, I'm Calling From Our Afterlife Office. We Need To Collect.

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Final Thoughts

Let me state, "There is no asteroid on an immediate collision course to hit the Earth."

This is only a short list of things to accomplish in the last 48 hours of Earth's existence. I'm sure you can come up with many more, as I have only been thinking about this for the last hour or so while I typed it out.

Feel free to list your last acts in the comments below, and remember, life is short so make it count!

Especially when an asteroid is coming!

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