Sunday, March 31, 2013

Hospital Treatment ... or Hospital Torture? (Humor)


Somewhat like a movie from the 80's, "I'm Back!"
(Yeah, I know, some of you are saying, "Oh, have you been gone? I hadn't even noticed!" Hublove is in the air!)
I'd love to say it was a wonderful vacation, but eye operations are something that one doesn't usually have listed on a "Bucket List!"
A couple of things before I get started.One: Thanks to all of you that sent me well wishes via Facebook and such! There are times one really appreciates the Hubpage community and the friends it brings. Two: A special thanks to those of you that shared some of my hubs and commented during my medical absence. Coming back and not having any "ZZZ's" to deal with is a real surprise, and one to make one thankful of having such great friends!
So, without getting any more mushy, let's proceed!

We Will, We Will, Rock You ... And Torture You!

Source: Stock Free Images

We Want Your Business, And We'll Tell You Anything To Get It!

Hospitals have become profit oriented facilities. They advertise on television and in newspapers, vie for A.M.A. and other professional organization rankings, and consider themselves above the law to all except malpractice attorneys.
My first visit to a hospital was over 50 years ago at the age of three. (This was actually my second visit, since I was born in one. Yet, I don't really remember that one, except for the old geezer that slapped me and has forever since been hiding from the abuse lawsuit.) I remember the nurses were all kind and smiling to one so young, and even brought me plastic soldiers with which to play.
Over the years, various injuries and broken bones, a venomous snake bite, a heart attack and other issues have brought us together several times. Regardless of the circumstances, never have I been sorry to leave.

Whenever I am in a hospital, I do my best to be amiable and humorous. My philosophy is that if they like you, they’ll take care of you properly. Having just endured another visit, I find that is not always the case. Also, areas of improvement are in dire need, especially considering the price one has to pay for the treatment received.

Areas Of Change Needed!

1) Hospital Gowns. These items, originally designed by Mel Brooks as a joke, are in dire need of update. Why would it be feasible to tie a piece of cloth around one's neck that covers only a portion of the human body?
I’m guessing that most operations occur from the front side of the body, not the backside. So, why does the half thigh length gown only cover the front, and is split wide open in the back? If you’re having a frontal operation, wouldn’t this mean they’d cover your face with the bottom portion that had been touching the family jewels? Is part of the recovery room process to wash the odor of one’s lower parts off the face of the patient before they awake and wonder, "What did I do while I was unconscious?"
Also, we all know sheets are cold. The freezing of one's backside serves no medical benefit whatsoever. If frozen buns were desired, we’d never buy fresh.
2) Meal Selection. I am sure that hospital dieticians do their best to ensure quality meals are planned for the patients in the hospitals. However, in planning these meals, dieticians need to consider items that the patient can physically handle. (In the next room, I overheard a conversation between a nurse and an elderly patient discussing the ability to chew roast beef without one's dentures in detail, No substitute was provided.)
Mealtime proved to be an adventure to one with no vision. Having both of my eyes bandaged, I found myself left alone attempting to locate silverware and the food items on the plate left several feet away. Fingering mashed potatoes is an interesting experience for toddlers learning how to eat, but to an adult, it is not a recommended by Emily Post or anyone else. Another meal consisted of some sort of spaghetti ... I think. Again, this is not a dish one can easily eat with bandages over the eyes, or with fingers.
I wondered, "Why not simply a cup of broth and a bunch of Ritz Crackers?"
But then again, I don’t work in the hospital, so what would I know?

Medications are expected.  Let's not be selfish with them when it comes to helping a patient deal with the pain!
Medications are expected. Let's not be selfish with them when it comes to helping a patient deal with the pain!
Source: Stock Free Images
3) Medications! Having inhaled in my earlier days (yes, I admit it), pain relieving medications are something that I will take without argument, when prescribed. Morphine shots, when supplied legally in a treatment facility, are a gift that deserves the I-Pod accompaniment of Janis Joplin, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, and Pink Floyd. However, hospitals are getting less and less amiable in their desires to ease one's suffering.
Let me say it this way, "We're paying for them so give 'em up!"
Having bandages over one's eyes doesn't allow for a lot of entertainment possibilities. In addition, pain is not a necessity in healing. In fact, pain is not at all necessary in healing!
During the stage of the healing process in which pain is a partner, allow one to revisit the days of the late 60's and early 70's and become one with the times. Allow mind expansion, especially for those that cannot do anything else. It wouldn't hurt the hospital in the least, with the exception of cutting down the personal stashes of the doctors and nurses who use them for recreational purposes.
Some may like this ... and some may not.  Your viewing pleasure is not mine to judge.
Some may like this ... and some may not. Your viewing pleasure is not mine to judge.
Source: AETV
4) Room Television Programming.The hospital I stayed in provided cable TV. This may have been fortunate for a person able to see where the remote control was at and that could channel check appropriately.
However, Honey Boo BooDuck DynastyAxe Men, and Appalachian Snake Man are not programs I wish to see (when able) or listen. (I'm still awaking in the middle of the night with nightmares of ducks with beards being chased by men with axes and snakes while a candy bar eating Honey Boo Boo giggles about it!)
Also, leaving the television on 24 hours a day is a form of torture that surpasses water boarding, especially when cable stations repeat programs two and three times an evening. Listening to one more episode of The Haunting will ensure I'm coming back and haunting the entire hospital when I die!
Sponge Bath fantasies can be quite helpful in taking one's mind off of the pain of medical treatment ... and being shaved by unskilled personnel!
Sponge Bath fantasies can be quite helpful in taking one's mind off of the pain of medical treatment ... and being shaved by unskilled personnel!
Source: Stock Free Images
5) Personal Hygiene & Shaving. The concept of “giving a sponge bath” is one that I seriously didn’t mind at all. (Now if I can only get my wife to do it for me .... naw, forget that!)
I fantasized a picture of the nurse performing this task. There's no doubt it was probably much better than the actual reality had I been able to see.
However, shaving is not necessary. When eye bandages are removed and one see’s razor burns on the chin and under the nose, a shock factor suddenly makes itself present. Shaving one’s legs does not make a person an expert at shaving one’s face (although I understand some male and female nurses do both).
Please, let the whiskers grow and allow the patient the option of only shedding blood once, instead of twice! In addition, when you get home, it keeps your cats from wanting to go out and get even with the cat that scratched you all over your face!
See!  You're Smiling!  Isn't that better than counting backwards and being bored?
See! You're Smiling! Isn't that better than counting backwards and being bored?
Source: Stock Free Images
6) Anesthesiologists. Please change you’re phraseology. For decades, you’ve asked patients to count backwards from 100. This is boring.
As you found out, attempting to say,“Three, six nine, the goose drank wine, the monkey chewed tobacco on the street Caroline, the line broke, the monkey choked, and they all went to Heaven in a little row boat" is much more fun and puts a smile on everyone’s face!
If you're going to be operated on, don't you want everyone involved to be in a good mood? The last thing you need is someone with a scalpel cutting on you while he's thinking about his wife that's cheating, or how he's going to explain his cheating to his wife!
Let those who can't walk ride.  Otherwise, cast it aside!
Let those who can't walk ride. Otherwise, cast it aside!
Source: Stock Free Images
7) Wheelchair Departures. It is complete lunacy to expect a person with their eyes bandaged to “feel” their way to the bathroom facilities, but require them to exit the hospital in a wheelchair when vision has returned.
In the words of a once wise man,"DUH!"
Whoever came up with this idea needs to be voted into the "Most Idiotic Dumb___ Club" with honors. It’s obviously the same person that decided hallways are a great place to store those awaiting operations.
“Hey everybody, look at me! Is my gown covering everything down there?”
I Just Wanna Go Home!!!!
I Just Wanna Go Home!!!!
Source: Google Free Images

A Final Word (or two)

Very few people look forward to entering a hospital for treatment. There’s always a possibility they may not leave afterwards. Therefore, they should be treated with the utmost care and respect. Besides, who’ll pay the staff's salaries if they kill all of us?
These were just a few suggestions to help out the paying guests in your local facility. We know they’re “leaving the lights on for us” day and night, as Motel 6 does, but they have to remember it’s the little things that count. If they would only use a few of the above recommendations and put them into action, we might even give them a tip like ...
“Go somewhere else for treatment!”


Okay, before I get blasted by everyone in the medical industry, let me say that this was entirely in jest and bears absolutely no resemblance to the actual treatment received. (And, then, the capsule with Willie Wonka shot up into the sky ... )
Seriously, I know that hospital staffs are tremendously overworked. Why, the conversations they have at the nurses station (of which I was close to and could hear much of what went on) are very technical in nature, especially when discussing home DVR problems, texts from boyfriends and kids, and other such professional duties. Still, I came out with my vision somewhat restored, so I really can't complain.
God Bless our Doctors and Nurses!

A Quick Poll

The last time you were a patient in a hospital, were you satisfied with the treatment you received?

  •  Yes, it was marvelous!
  •  It was okay, but they could have done much better.
  •  No, and if I have my choice, I'll never go back there!
See results without voting

©Copyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved

No comments:

Post a Comment