Television Madness (Fantasy Humor)

Source: Stock Free Images

Television Is Pure Excitement .... zzzzzzzzz

Another boring night of television. I'm so grateful to Direct TV for providing me with 300+ channels aimed at the intelligence level of the moronic. My 50" HD television is begging me to rise up and select a Blu-Ray of some possible interest. Yet, as I settle deeper into my recliner, my body provides resistance to any thought of vertical attainment.

Howie Mandel

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Howard Stern

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Madness Begins

Suddenly, I am sitting between Howard Stern and Howie Mandel, judging a contestant on America's Got Talent. My earrings dangle, rubbing against my shoulders, as the weight of the 74 karat diamond necklace tickles my breasts with its coolness.

Wait a minute! Breasts?

I look down to see a pair that would stimulate my animal instincts at any other time. Squirming in my seat ever so slightly, I find my animal instincts are missing. When was I neutered?

The contestant is mocking Howard’s decision to “X” him out before completion of his attempt to climb Mt. Everest, which is filling the stage from front to back. The chill provided by the wind and snow tightens my nipples.

My physicality gender conflict rages! Still, I must demonstrate empathy for the contestant on stage that Howard is chastising. Intelligently gathering my thoughts, I retort to Howard’s comments with a moment of inspiration, “Cram it up your ___ , you ass!”

I feel foolish over using "ass" twice in the same dialogue. Trembling, I have an immediate need to be held closely by Ozzy.

Anna Panquin (Sookie Stackhouse)

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Steven Moyer (Bill Compton)

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman)

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Madness Continues

I shudder as an earring drops down my cleavage. Howard volunteers to get it for me. I hit him with a solid left hook as he comes close. His sunglasses fly into the audience by Oprah Winfrey, who drops them in her excitement.

Howie latches on to my back to restrain me from doing any further damage to his friend and lover. I’m pulled to the floor, my head hitting the table as I go down on my back.

I awake looking at a couple of breasts that are not mine. Sookie Stackhouse, from True Blood, is leaning over and cuddling my aching skull against her torso in a sense of endearment. I’m immediately attracted to her, or at least, to what is staring me in the face.

I take my eyes away to look down my own body. I’m pleased to see my cleavage is no longer a factor. I am also happy to find I am once again of male gender. I return my stare to Sookie and her attributes. I am home and never want to leave.

A side door flies open and there, in front of us, ruining the moment, are the two major vampires, from True Blood, Bill Compton and Eric Northman. Bill has Howard Stern in his grasp and is lapping blood from his gashed throat. Eric is chasing Howie, who has an inflated rubber glove on his head, around the auditorium.

Howie is screaming, “Don’t touch me! You’re full of germs!”

Eric looks for some hand cleaner, and is given a bottle of bleach by Brick, the little boy from The Middle. He is hiding from a librarian in the back of the room, who is buying a car from the boy’s mother!

Atticus Shaffer (The Middle)

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Dr. Phil (Phil McGraw)

Source: wikipedia commons

Rachael Ray

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Still More Madness

Suddenly, Sookie is yanked away from behind by Hugh Rowland, from Ice Road Truckers, who proclaims she’s his lost lover. I roll out of the way as his 18 wheeler slips out of gear and rolls over Howard Stern's dead body.

Rising quickly and stepping away from the scene to avoid being splattered, I find Bill awaiting me with open fangs. Luckily, he is interrupted as Dr. Philappears, brings in 3 stools, and asks us to sit with him.

“Bill, obviously, you’re a vampire. I just want the folks at home to understand this. You are a vampire, not by your own choosing, but still, you are a vampire. Would you please tell the folks at home what it‘s like to be a vampire, even though it‘s not of your own choosing?”

Tiring of this seemingly endless rhetoric, Bill leaps at Dr. Phil and knocks him off his stool. Dr. Phil pleads for security to assist him. The security crew from The Jerry Springer Showruns on stage and attempts to separate them.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck (The View)

Source: feed blitz

Vince McMahon

Source: Wikipedia Commons

Madness Not Done

Three overweight reality stars of Pawn Stars enter and add to the melee. The Real Housewives of New Jersey sit back and bitch about broken nails and friendships. Blake Shelton from The Voice arrives with his ukelele and starts singing “Born To Be Wild.” The sound from the amplified ukelele is deafening.

My arm is grabbed and I’m pulled from the madness by Rachel Ray, asking if I‘d like something to eat. Never one to turn down a free meal, we enter her studio, only to find Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, from The View, arguing over what type of cheese is best to use on tacos at Jewish weddings.

Rachel grabs a bottle of cooking wine, mixed with toe jam and cilantro, and pours it over their heads. The crowd roars with laughter before they are all given a free cd of Cher and whisked away to dance the afternoon away with Ellen DeGeneres.

I walk over to a crying and dejected Elisabeth to comfort her and admire her abs, but am pushed away by a grinning Maury Povich. He questions her intermittently as he sucks the wine mixture from her hair.

“Elisabeth, are you sure (slurp) as to the identity (slurp) of your oldest child’s (slurp) father?”

Before she can answer, Vince McMahon from Monday Night Rawsneaks in and body slams Maury. Then, picking up Elisabeth in his arms, he carries her away hurriedly. He is chased by an aging Hulk Hogan, holding onto his walker with wheels, screaming for Vince to pay the weekly rental fee on his new TV.

Bye Bye Madness?

Wait a minute... new TV?

My back is reminding me why I need to replace my recliner. My neutered cat, who thinks he’s a dog, Faletame, is down by my crotch, saying something about my becoming a eunuch. TV is showing American Pickers picking something out of an old barn.

I hit the menu button on the remote and see Gator Boys, Storage Wars, and Top Gear listings staring me in the face. Reality TV, violence and sex are television's primary offerings.

Oh, yeah! I was going to select a Blu-Ray!

Let's see.... Pulp Fiction or The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo?

Important (Well, not really) Poll

**If you listed answer #5, it is obvious you scanned this hub instead of actually having read the hub. Didn't think you'd get caught, did you?

Previously Published On Hubpages.com

Tuesday, February 26, 2013