Times That Screaming "Bomb" May, Or May Not, Benefit You - (Humor)

Source: bing.com

Source: bing.com

Disclaimer:

This article is only written in jest!

This article is not telling you to do something illegal, by any means. Although, after reading this you may be tempted, it is highly inadvisable to proceed along the directed lines and scream "BOMB" at any place, or at any time.

The only exceptions to the rule would be if you actually had a bomb, or knew of a bomb that could be dangerous to human life. Otherwise, screaming "BOMB" is classified as a false alert and may be punishable by law, or worse!

Again, this is only in jest ... I'm innocent if you should do any of the below.

(I don't know how much more clear I can make this, but if you still don't understand ... "Listen, friend! If you do any of the junk listed below and you'll either end up in jail with a crazed cell buddy or prematurely demised! Understand?")

Hopefully, that takes care of it. Whew!

Some Thoughts

The natural reaction to hearing someone scream "BOMB" is one of fear. "Which way do I go, George, which way do I go?" is the secondary thought, if your body hasn't already lost control of its bodily functions and caused you to soil your pants.

However, screaming "BOMB" has limited benefits. Lets look at some of these below, as well as some of the times screaming "BOMB" may be detrimental to one's health.

Source: bing.com

Source: bing.com

Times To Scream "BOMB"

1. You should be safe to scream "BOMB" at family reunions. No one truly enjoys spending hours with their relatives' children clutching and grabbing at them with greasy fingers from the fried chicken. When you've had enough of Aunt Martha's arthritis complaining, or Uncle Fred's eyes staring at your cleavage, jump up and run to your car screaming "BOMB" at the top of your lungs. This may not immediately clear out the event, it will ruin any further normal conversation of those few remaining, Plus, you'll save time not having to give the dreaded endless goodbyes.

2. Kids birthday parties present another place to scream "BOMB."When the kids get too cranky and you've had enough Kool Aid saturated in your carpet to validate the new you've wanted, grab your child in your arms and scream "BOMB" at the top of your lungs. Parents will rush to grab their children and take them home to safety. If you're lucky, your child will pick up on the situation and start screaming it, too! This will add an element of realism to the scenario!

3. When you're waiting in a long line of cars to get gas, screaming "BOMB" at the top of your lungs may quickly clear out the line in front of you. Of course, there will be a few $500 cars with $4000 stereo systems that don't hear you, but the drivers usually have only a couple of dollars in their pockets to spend on gas anyway. You've at least cut down your time in line by an hour or two!

Source: bing.com

Source: bing.com

Source: bing.com

4. Another great time to scream "BOMB" is when you're at the animal shelter adopting a pet and they've just told you how much you'll have to pay to have your new "loved one." Most of the minimum age counter help will run away in hope's of finding protective shelter, and you'll be able to easily walk out with your new pet. Oh, be sure to leave a couple of dollars on the counter. You can easily tell them you left the entire amount there, and because there wasn't anyone present to take it, some unworthy soul must have stolen the rest.

5. If you've just been presented with your check at the restaurant, and the waiter has said, "I'll be back for that in a minute" and left, this is the perfect time to scream, "BOMB!" Just make sure you're in the head of the group rushing for the door as your full stomach will slow you down and make you an easy target for the servers chasing you, otherwise!

6. Get your kids to scream "BOMB" while waiting in the endless line to see Santa Claus in the department store. It's funny to watch all the parents rushing through the underwear sections with kids in tow, and will make the line much shorter. Plus, you can always blame it on the kids and act embarrassed. Plus, the photographer is probably hiding in the Men's Restroom, so you save $10 on the photo you know you really didn't want, but felt obligated to buy. And, just think of the funny story you'll be able to tell your friends later!

7. Scream "BOMB" in a crowded car dealership when the salesperson is getting you the final figures on a car.Rise and head to the door quickly and watch the salesperson run to get you to stay. You'll find the final figures really are final, and that you're getting the car for a much lower figure. Just hope the one you're purchasing doesn't turn out to be a bomb!

8. If you need immediate treatment in a VA hospital, scream "BOMB" and watch the attention you'll get. It may take you a few minutes to get them to understand you really don't need the white coat they've provided you, but at least you'll be nice and cozy while you sit there talking to the shrink!

Source: bing.com

Source: bing.com

Times Not To Scream "BOMB"

1. Airports. This should go without saying, but for some that think it may be funny watching the TSA officers running around like the "Keystone Cops" of the silent film days. Believe me, these folks can't take a joke. Besides finding out how much time you'll get to serve in the local "iron bar" hotel, you'll see how easily you bruise, in addition to enjoying a free cavity search (as if a bomb could fit up there)!

2. NRA Conventions. Most that visit the National Rifle Association conventions are either licensed to carry concealed weapons, or have bodyguards that are. Screaming "BOMB" here is a good way to get headlines in the National Enquirer as "The Human Target Screams His Last Words."

3. Toys "R" Us. Christmas shopping may make this a very tempting place to scream "BOMB", but remember, you can't bring gift items back without a receipt. Bomb threats may scare the lines away, but they will also scare away the cashiers. You may be waiting a long time for your receipt as the police bomb squads take their time searching the store and attached warehouse.

4. Banks. Security is in full operation here. Screaming "BOMB" may seem like a good way to get the tellers moving at more than .002 mph, but it will also get your picture (mugshot) on the local evening newscast. Unless you have no acquaintances anywhere, and you know your escape is foolproof, it is highly recommended not to do any screaming (or whispering) here.

Source: bing.com

Source: bing.com

Source: bing.com

5. Convenience stores. Here, the help is generally not the smartest people you'll ever come across, but these places are known to have a very vindictive owner in the back with a shotgun. If you can't say "I was only joking" in Arabic or Japanese very quickly, it might serve you well to simply wait behind the family of 17 that insists on paying for their packs of chewing tobacco individually.

6. Police traffic stops (or roadblocks). Again, people with guns generally have a limited sense of humor. Emotions run high and bullets may flow freely. Also, if you say this to an officer before putting down your cell phone, you're asking to become part of the free cell network in the sky (and put on hold by St. Peter).

7. After having a wild and passionate evening of lovemaking with the person you never want to see again, screaming "BOMB" immediately after may hex you. Instead of living free, you'll be giving them a call in 3-6 weeks to discuss support arrangements of a future arrival.

8. In church. It may seem like a good way to end the minister's long winded sermon, but you may again find yourself put on hold by St. Peter in the future. God likes humor, but doesn't like it when you disturb someone talking highly of him. It's the same trait he gave to our politicians and Boy Scout troop leaders.

Source: bing.com

A Last Word

Although temptation may be your constant companion, especially since screaming "BOMB" will be on your mind having read this, it is highly recommended to restrain yourself from doing so.

The stress you create may find some slightly upset when it is discovered as a hoax. Stressful situations create violence at times. Not wanting one's nose broken, or arms or legs in long term relationships with casts, silence may be the better choice. But, do as you must.

Just remember, you've been warned!

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